Reflections of a Father's Heart
by River Eagle
Summary: Short one shots from Jeff's point of view - reflecting on each of his son's births. Last chapter (Alan) is definitely a tissue warning.
1. Scott

_**AN: Just a few short one shots on Jeff - and thinking back on his wife and sons.**_

The very first time Lucy told me she was pregnant, I completely freaked. We'd only been married two weeks and I thought we'd have more time for us as a couple before we started a family. I almost decided to walk out on her and the baby, but I remembered what my best friend had once said to me: _Life was never made to be a walk in the park. If we never felt fear, or hate, or love, then what makes life worth living? Only in adversity can we truly face growing character._

The challenge I had was to face the daunting fact that in roughly eight months since I married Lucy, we would welcome the first of our offspring into the world. And that, truly, scared me. No, correction. What scared me more was telling Lucy's father I had gotten his daughter pregnant a month before our marriage.

He was old fashioned in that respect - most of my friends and even people my parents' (and Luce's parents' age) were living together out of wedlock. But Mister Keith seemed fine with that. Actually, he was pretty excited over the fact he was going to be a grandfather (that was, after he'd gotten over the shock of Luce not being his little girl anymore and was pregnant).

After my initial reaction, where Lucy thought I wasn't all that keen on her being with our child, I slowly got my head in order. I got pretty excited.

The first time she pulled my hand to her stomach and I felt a little flicker of something beneath it, Lucy told me my whole face lit up. Something truly amazing took hold of me the moment I felt that little life kick out against my wife's belly. I couldn't keep the massively cheeky grin off my face for days. I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world and she was pregnant with my baby!

I loved watching the changes that happened in Lucy's body, although she complained that she wasn't beautiful anymore. She wouldn't believe me the further along she was, no matter how many times I told her and how much I believed it, she was still the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid eyes on.

The second I didn't meet - in person - until April 4. But that didn't mean Scott Carpenter didn't make his presence known to us beforehand. The day he was born though, it was like my heart was stolen. Again (and once I'd told Lucy, she said I was a sap).

I almost didn't make it into the delivery room. I arrived just in time to catch our first born child as he cried his way into the world. Man, he had one heck of a set of lungs. And he stole my heart.


	2. John

We were just settling into our small family life when Lucy looked at me with a small secretive smile. Scott was just weaned from breast feeding for about two months and I didn't think there would be much danger in Lucy getting pregnant again so quickly. Both of us were young and very much in love though.

By my calculation, we'd only really been together for twenty-two months (and married for seventeen) when Luce asked me if I'd thought any more about giving Scott a little brother. Lucy, before I'd married her, always said she'd wanted a big family, but that had gone out of my head the day she'd given birth to Scott. She had yelled at me that the next time we decided to have a child, I would be the one to carry and give birth to the child.

Not that it's actually possible for the male body to become pregnant.

But the day Lucy had raised the question with me, I don't think I was paying all that much attention to her. I was busy trying to sort something out (I forget what now) for the company I was starting up. She got my attention when she dumped Scott into my arms and said she needed the restroom.

I stopped what I was doing to secure my hold on my son. "What?" I voiced. Getting up from the table, I moved through our small two bedroom apartment to the restroom. Lucy was bent over the ceramic throne, throwing up the last of her breakfast.

My nearly nine-month-old son grabbed for my ear as I tried to make heads or tails out of Lucy's illness and question. My jaw dropped slightly as Lucy rinsed her mouth and handed me the pregnancy test she'd done earlier. It took me a few moments to realize what I was holding (with the little positive sign) before I grinned. "You sure?"

"Yeah," Lucy had said, returning my grin. I happily pulled my wife into my arms and kissed her forehead.

Looking down at the son I held, I said to him, "You know what, Scotty, we're gonna have a bubba."

Scott, by the look on his face, didn't really understand what I was saying. But he laughed anyway. Anyone could tell you a baby's laugh is infectious. Well, that always seemed true to me with my own children. Both Luce and I joined in with Scott's laughter.

Lucy couldn't understand my fascination with her pregnant body. It wasn't until her third trimester she found it's usefulness when her ankles got swollen and I offered massages. I couldn't keep my hands off her.

The day that John Glenn was born, I was with Lucy in the delivery room the whole time. I was kicking myself for putting her through the pain of bringing a newborn into the world. But as soon as the blue-eyed blond was placed in my arms and looked up at me, I lost another little corner of my heart.

Mother brought our Scott in once Lucy and John were cleaned up. The first time Scott held his little brother, we knew he'd take his big brother role seriously.


	3. Virgil

"Jeff," my wife began, looking around our slightly larger three bedroom apartment. We had moved into the bigger place two months before John was born and we'd been living there for just over two years.

I looked up from helping Scott and John build a rocket and plane. "Yes, honey?"

"When do you think we'll buy our first home?"

It was a good question, and I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks. But I hadn't really known how to raise the situation with Lucy. "I don't know," I replied. "Why is that?"

"Well, I don't want to keep moving to a bigger place every few years."

I stopped what I was doing and stood. "What do you mean?" She looked at me with that half-knowing smile of hers. Her hand was resting slightly on her stomach and I frowned slightly. "Luce?" Her half-smile grew into a full blown grin and she grabbed my hand and placed it along side hers on her abdomen. She waited quietly as I tried working out what she was saying. My frown deepened. "How big of a place are you thinking of, hon?"

"Five bedrooms at least. We'd have a spare room then."

I felt my jaw drop. It finally clicked. "Serious? We're having another baby?" Lucy nodded and I wrapped my arms around her. Just as I leaned down to kiss her, John tugged on my pant leg. I looked down at my blue-eyed boy and bent down to lift him up. "Johnny, you're going to be a big brother!"

John wasn't all that interested in being a big brother, but Scott certainly was. Mother was excited for us and helped us out a lot with the two boys. We moved into our first home three months after she'd told me she was expecting our third child.

After we'd moved, and Lucy had decided which room to be the nursery (it so happened to be the room closest to ours), she sent me out to get paint. I debated whether or not to get a pastel pink paint but decided Lucy would've had my head. I swore I heard her saying I was dreaming when I first picked up the pink paint. Shaking my head, I returned the pink paint to the shelf and picked up a pale green and a pale yellow paint. I thought those would be more to Lucy's liking than the pink.

I was so glad I picked the neutral colors when Lucy and I welcomed our third son into the world. Although I would have loved to have had a little girl with Lucy's eyes and smile, I couldn't deny I loved all three of my boys. Virgil Grissom was just being placed in my arms when John came dashing into the room where Lucy and I were with our newborn. He clambered onto the bed beside me and looked down at Virgil.

"My bubba?" he asked. "Bubba broder?"

Both Lucy and I grinned. "Yes, John. This is your baby brother," I said.

"Don't want bubba. Give back."

"Sorry, little man," Lucy said. "Virgil belongs to us. We can't just leave him."

John crossed his arms and had an adorable little pout on his nearly three-year-old features. "Still don't want bubba."


	4. Gordon

Lucy struggled to get Virgil to breast feed. So it wasn't a surprise when, five months after our third son was born, I found a note from 'Scott, John, Virgil and Baby'. I looked to my wife with a question in my eyes and she briefly nodded. Actually no. I was totally surprised. How were we gong to cope with four children under the age of six?

I tried not letting on my fears about how we could cope, but I don't think I fooled Lucy. We'd been married nearly five and a half years, and had known each other far longer, so she knew me pretty well.

"What is it, Jeff? I thought you loved being a dad."

"I do. I love our boys." I paused and then turned to look at her. We were in our room, settling in for the night. I gave her a shaky smile. "Don't think of me as a sap hon, but I don't want our sons to steal any more of my heart away from you."

Lucy laughed and curled into my side. "I doubt they'd steal you away from me. And I don't mind sharing." She looked up at me with that adoring smile of hers and I wrapped my arms around her. "As long as you don't mind sharing my heart with them."

I grinned down at her and kissed her forehead. "I promise I won't get jealous of our boys."

But there was something nagging me at the back of my mind all through Lucy's fourth pregnancy. Scott was overjoyed to be getting another little brother (or my hope of a little girl), and John was beginning to see that being a big brother wasn't all that bad. We didn't ask Virgil's opinion as there wouldn't be much age difference between him and the next child.

I wasn't there when Lucy was rushed into hospital nearly six and a half weeks before her due date. Mother went to stay with our three boys and was worriedly keeping me informed about what was happening. Lucy had contracted a viral infection and because she was pregnant had to be rushed into hospital for antibiotics. The doctors wanted to make sure she and the baby were going to be fine. At the time, I had a big conference in Chicago I couldn't get out of so I was stuck away from my wife and family. Those few days of that conference where some of the toughest of my life.

When I eventually made it back to Kansas City three days after Lucy's terrified call, the doctors had induced labor and my wife had given birth to another little boy. I rushed into the hospital (not even making a detour home) to see how Luce was doing. She looked so weak and small in the hospital bed, hooked up to all those machines. I didn't know what to do.

I sat with her for a while before I had to leave. There was something about seeing her like that that caused me to blame myself. If I hadn't gotten Lucy pregnant again, then she wouldn't be fighting for her life in that hospital bed and I wouldn't risk nearly losing her.

I made my way into the nearby waiting room and ran my hands over my face. As I was pacing, I realized I had three boys at home and Mother who would be worried about me and Lucy. Pulling out my phone, I placed a call home. It was during that conversation that Mother raised the issue about the little boy Lucy had brought into the world six weeks early. I hung up the phone and took in a shuddering breath. What about the baby? It hadn't even crossed my mind.

I made my way to the main desk in the maternity ward. Wiping my eyes, I asked the nurse where I could find Baby Tracy. The nurse looked at me sympathetically and asked if I was the father. I mutely nodded my head and followed her into the NICU. Before entering, I had to wash up well to even be admitted into the ward.

Gordon Cooper was the only baby in the room and in an incubator. I swallowed and took a shaky step toward the incubator. Gordon was so tiny and I felt my heart constrict. My little boy was fighting to survive just as his mother was just down the hallway. I looked up at the nurse with a question in my eyes. I wanted to be able to touch my small son and was wondering if it would be alright. She nodded at me. I reached out and ran my fingers over the small lock of hair my little boy had. And again, I felt my heart melt and a part of it now belonged with the small ginger haired boy.

No matter what was going to happen, I laid my hand on my son's tiny chest and somehow found the strength to go on. Somehow, I was sure things would get better. They just had to be.

I took both my wife and son home nearly six weeks later, both were on the mend. The whole family were relieved, none more so than me.


	5. Alan

The week before we celebrated Gordon's first birthday, I raised the issue of having more kids with Lucy. Actually, the idea of stopping me being able to get her pregnant. I'd taken her out to dinner as a treat for the two of us. I could tell having four young (energetic) boys under the age of 7 was taking it's toll on Lucy and I just wanted her to relax for an evening.

It was surprising what a year could do.

Lucy had laughed slightly when I told her that maybe four children was our limit. I frowned at her. When I asked her why, Lucy said, "I won't stop you from getting a vasectomy, honey, but we're not just going to have four boys."

I kept my face blank. I had worked hard on my poker face for the past eighteen months and thought I did well. "We're not?" I asked calmly. There was no way I was feeling calm after that announcement.

"I was going to tell you. I found out two weeks ago."

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. Hopefully that was the only sign that I wasn't coping with the news. Believe me, I tried to act as excited about this new addition as I was about every other pregnancy Lucy told me about. But I couldn't keep my thoughts from turning to the birth of our miracle son. It was so hard for me to just sit there beside my beloved's bedside and also watch my youngest son fight for his life. I'd almost lost both of them in the first week of Gordon's life. What if it happened again? What if, instead of Lucy and the baby surviving, they both died? I don't know if I could make it.

"Jeff?"

I gave Luce a shaky smile that I felt didn't quite reach my eyes. "You're pregnant?" She picked up that there was something troubling me but didn't press it. She returned my smile. "So do you think the boys would like having another little one around?"

Lucy shrugged her shoulders and that time, I gave her a genuine smile. Our boys had picked up on some of her habits. I'd seen each of the older boys, especially John and Scott, shrug their shoulders in the same way."

Scott will be over the moon," she commented.

"John will be too. He's grown up a bit since we had Virgil," I put in.

She laughed and nodded. "I still remember our dreamer's pout when he first met Virgil. But when we brought Gordon home, John couldn't get enough of the cuddles. It meant he could spend more time with one of us."

"Virgil would love having someone else to boss around. Have you noticed how he does that to Gordon and there's only a year between them?"

The conversation relieved some of my fears, but they didn't completely disappear throughout Lucy's last pregnancy. I made sure it would be the last. Although I was apprehensive of the outcome, I couldn't keep out of my heart the dream of holding a miniature Lucy in my arms.

We passed the 32 week mark and everything was looking good. This time around, there were no complications. Well, none as far as Lucy and I were aware of. Then Lucy's OB-GYN noticed that the baby wasn't getting into the right position to be delivered safely naturally. She'd given my wife some exercises in the last few weeks of the pregnancy to try and get bubba to turn around. Our bubba stubbornly refused and both Luce and I decided it would be safer to have a C-Section than try risk a natural birth.

I was in the operating room when Alan Shepherd was brought into the world. I smiled at Lucy and whispered that I loved her. She beamed at me and then closed her eyes. Her hand went limp in mine. I looked up at the doctors and then back down at Lucy. "Lucy?" I barely croaked out.

"Get him out of here," I heard one of the doctors bark and the next thing I remember was being ushered out of the room.

The next two hours were the longest in my life. I wanted to be in the room with my wife and I also wanted to be with my new born son. To take my mind off what was going on in the operating room, I went in search of my son, Alan. I bathed, diapered, clothed and feed my newborn and was just taking him for a walk when the head doctor in charge of my wife's care came to find me.

He asked if I'd like a seat, and I shook my head. I knew the news could only be the worst when he'd asked me that. I held my son closer and didn't care about appearances when I felt the first of my tears streak down my face. "Can I see her?" I asked into my son's hair. Alan had fallen asleep on my shoulder. The doctor nodded. I carefully shifted my little boy down so I could cradle him and then followed the doctor to where Lucy lay.

When I saw her, lying so still on the table, I let the first of my sobs out and took Alan to sit beside her. Looking down at the sleeping babe, I asked, "Could we have a moment?" I began rocking Alan. "Luce, you never knew that I wanted a miniature you. Well, looking down at this little angel, I guess you've given me that. Even though Alan's not a girl, he looks like you." I stopped and reached out to hold her cold, limp hand. "I don't know how I'm going to live without you, but there are five boys here that are going to need me. I love you so much."

Alan and I spent at least ten minutes in there with the shell of my darling wife before I felt the presence of another person in the room. I looked over at the door where I saw the doctor waiting. I wiped my eyes and looked down at my precious little boy. "Let's go and find your older brothers and grandmother."

The two of us moved past the doctor and out into the hallway. I found them just arriving in the maternity ward. I'd forgotten that Lucy and I had arranged for them to visit at four before they went out for dinner. The two of us had gone into the hospital earlier in the day and had left the boys to be looked after by Mother.

When Mother saw me walking toward them, I must have had a lost look on my face. She must have realized something wasn't right.

I tried to keep it together as I bent down to the level of my sons. "Boys, I'd like you to meet Alan Shepard Tracy."

"My bubba?" Gordon asked.

"Yeah, Gordon. Your bubba."

"Love bubba," the nearly two-year-old declared.

"He looks like mommy," my nearly six-year-old said. I nodded at John and felt myself choke up. I stood up and moved to a small lounge. I felt Mother frown at my back. I'm not going to break down in front of my sons. I'm not.

"Who would like a hold?" I knew all of them would love to have had a hold so I gently laid my youngest in my first-born's arms.

Mother stood next to me as we watched John, Virgil and Gordon crowd around Alan and Scott. She quietly asked, "What is it? Where's Lucy?"

As soon as Mother asked me that, I couldn't keep my tears in. Scott and John looked at me in shock and Virgil came and asked for me to pick him up. Instead, I sank to the floor in front of him and felt my three-year-old wipe my eyes.

"I didn't know daddies cry," I barely made out of Virgil's speech.

"Daddies cry when mommies go to heaven," I said.

"Is Moma in heaven?" John asked, and it finally sunk in. Lucy was gone and was never going to come back.

Instead, she'd left me with five boys that would need me. And I was so glad Mother was there to help me.


	6. Epilogue

I looked out over the Pacific Ocean and drank my coffee. Alan had been two when we'd moved to our island home. A soft knock came at my open office door. I turned and saw my 'baby' standing had grown so much since the time I first held him 15 years before. He was the tallest out of all my sons and I gave him a warm smile.

"Come in Alan." He approached me and I noticed him biting his lower lip. Something was bothering him. "What is it, son?"

"What was mom like?"

I swallowed and gave my boy a ghost of a smile. Years ago, I wouldn't have answered, or had only given a simple reply. But now, I knew that probably wouldn't work. Each and every one of my boys deserved to know what Lucy was like.

"She was beautiful," I said. "And she loved you very much." My smile grew as I thought back. "You look like her. She knew how to argue and how to make me laugh. Gordon's got her sense of humor. Lucy loved a practical joke."

When I turned to look fully at Alan, I was surprised that his jaw had dropped slightly. I reached out and placed my hand on his shoulder. "Your mom would be proud of you. Just as much as I am."

He swallowed and asked, "Tell me more?"I nodded slowly and thought back over the times I had with my late wife. It had been 15 years since she'd gone, but it still felt like just a year sometimes. "She loved music and art, but never had time to do any of her own once we'd had Scott." I laughed a little and said, "It took me a while to convince Lucy to spend a night stargazing with me. John, although he gets a lot of his physical characteristics from Lucy, like you do, is more like me when it comes to what he likes. Oh, and both my blond haired boys got her temper."

Alan laughed slightly at that. He looked down at his hands. "Thanks, Dad."

I fully looked at my son and out of the corner of my eye, noticed four other boys listening at the door.

"What's troubling you?"

"Do you blame me?" he blurted out. I frowned and tried to work out what he meant. He looked at me and clarified. "For Mom dying?"

I could see that he was almost in tears. I reached put and pulled him into an embrace. "Never. You are such a blessing to me." I blamed myself for years, but never any of my children. None of them were at fault. "I never realized how much I wanted or _needed_ you to get me through that first few months until I held you for the first time. You looked up at me with such pure devotion and love that it was like you knew I'd always be there."

I turned to face my other sons and beckoned them into the office. They entered slowly and I looked each over carefully. "No matter what happens, boys. No one in this room is to blame for Lucy's death. Things happen sometimes that we can't explain and her dying is one of them. But do you want to know a secret?" I didn't wait for them to answer. "The best thing Lucy gave me are Scott, John, Virgil, Gordon and Alan."

"Us?" Virgil asked.

I nodded. "And I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, I miss your mom. But if anything happened to any one of you boys, I would miss you far more."


End file.
